97 I Know What to Do So Why Am I Still Not Doing It?

Welcome to the Great Leader Great Mom podcast, episode 97. Here we trade in mom guilt and burnout for courage, calm, and a whole lot more joy. I'm your host, Liz Jolle, engineer, turn life coach, mama three, and founder of the school. of courage. Around here we talk about how to lead at work and at home without losing your sanity, your sense of humor, or yourself. Have you ever had that frustrating moment where you think, I already know this, why am I still doing it? And you get so mad, right? Like you've read the books, you've even bought the real paperback book and you've underlined it a lot And you've sent it to friends. You've listened to all the podcast on this topic. You've saved the reels and shared them. And you've told other friends, you should go buy this book. This is so good. It's totally like they hear me And yet there you are again. One of the ways I've heard my clients talk about where they want to be more confident at work and then someone makes a sharp comment and they find themselves crumbling. Another person wanted to be calm in a high-stakes meeting, but then the minute they felt challenged, like someone asked them a question, they got really defensive. And another example is someone that wanted to be curious and grounded with their new boss and their one-on-one and instead they found themselves shutting down, shrinking, and then replaying the whole thing later, wishing they had showed up differently If that's you, I want you to understand that this is how all of us work. This is how our brains work. Nothing's gone wrong. You're okay. We're gonna address this today. It's not a problem of you not learning enough or consuming enough information. Trust me, I've been there But so many women are walking around feeling deeply frustrated with themselves, really in this like self-loathing bit, where we intellectually understand what to do but we're not actually doing it when it counts. And we find ourselves back in those old default patterns. The gap between knowing what to do and actually doing it can feel so defeating for us And this is true for so many of you all, I know, because time is absolutely precious and you don't want to waste all these extra hours. doing things like this, right? Like beating yourself up or consuming things that you may not need to consume that's not actually getting you to where you want to go. So when you do spend time reading, learning, and researching and listening, and you still find yourself shutting down or spiraling or reacting in the same old way. It's easy to make all that mean something really painful about you. It's easy to move into self-loathing, because I get it. We think I should know better by now. Why haven't I figured this out yet? I've seen it with clients and once we look at their brain and they get into this mode of like, but I should know this by now. And I just want to pause and say, no, you shouldn't. Like this is just part of the process is you have to Look at what's going on and then take a deep breath. Don't beat yourself up. That is never productive. This is the part of the process that I want to teach all of you today. Because the problem is not that you don't know enough or you're not listening enough or you haven't read the right book. The problem is that we're trying to change the fruit without changing the roots. And I heard this quote the other day in a book about money, and it just really struck me in terms of this aspect for the podcast today. And this is why so many of us get it backward when it comes to all the time we spend consuming on things. And that's what exactly is happening here. A lot of times when we consume content, we're trying to gain more knowledge. We're trying to really control our actions, how we show up in the room, the steps we take. And we think, okay, next time I'll be more confident. Now I know this. Next time I'll stay calm. Next time I will be more curious. Next time I won't take it personally. I'll just be cool as a cucumber. Next time I will not shut down. But the actions don't happen in a vacuum. Think about it this way We have a circumstance, something around us, like boss says words, meeting happens, different teams make different comments. And then we have a thought about those comments, about those words, really about a circumstance. And that circumstance is neutral. We have a thought about that circumstance, and it creates a feeling for us within. And that feeling is what drives our actions. And those actions are what give us our results in our lives. So if we only focus on changing our actions, which is what we really do most of the time when we're consuming information, we're trying to like control, manipulate, willpower ourselves into doing the right thing, acting the right way. But we never slow down long enough to examine the root, the thought and the feeling beneath those actions, and therefore we're stuck in our default pattern. That's why you can know all the right things and you still find yourself doing the exact thing you said you didn't want to do. Let's go through examples. Maybe you want to be more confident in the office. You want to speak clearly. You want to hold your ground. You want to stop second guessing yourself. And then someone says something like, is this all you have? And immediately you feel like you crumble. From the outside, it may look like a confidence issue, so you go read more about confidence and you listen to more advice about confidence You study body language, executive presence, how to speak with authority, how to dress, how to project clearly with your voice. None of that is bad, but if the default thought underneath that moment is something like they think I'm flawed or they don't appreciate me, then that's gonna create the feeling for you that makes you crumble and it makes total sense Or maybe you want to be calm in a high-stakes meeting with all of the VPs and you walk in telling yourself, stay composed, stay professional, stay steady. And then someone pushes back on your idea or they question your judgment or your process on how you got there. And you get defensive. Again, we think the problem is our reaction. Like we need to control our reactions better. But if your default thought in that moment is they're attacking me or they're against me, then of course your body's gonna tighten. You feel defensive. Of course your nervous system is like way loud and going crazy. So you start defending. Your brain is not calmly evaluating the moment. It's reacting to a threat based on the thought you're having. And then there's an example of a woman who wants to feel curious and assured with her new boss. And she wants to show up as open, calm, thoughtful, grounded But in the one-on-one, she finds herself shutting down. So why? Because the default thought could be something like, this could go badly or This is so painful. Or I'm so disappointed he's saying these terrible things. So now every word the boss says gets filtered through that lens. And everything he says feels loaded, everything feels dangerous. And shutting down becomes the protective response. It makes perfect sense. This is why consuming more content doesn't always create the change we want, because content can help you understand what to do. It helps you give language to it. But understanding is not the same thing as actually transforming, actually doing the work, actually changing. Transformation usually requires struggle. I love the quote that says, there's no learning without struggle Because so much of it requires us to be uncomfortable. It requires us to slow down long enough to see what's actually happening on the inside of us. because of our thoughts and our thoughts are what fuel everything here. This is the part that so many of us skip. It's actually very comfortable to just consume information. For us to pause long enough and examine our thinking and question it and try to really rethink and be intentional with our thoughts is what is uncomfortable and it's what takes the real work. We're so busy, we're always on the go. So we're like listening to podcasts while we're picking up the kids, going to Target, w going on our run where we're exercising. We're trying to keep everything together and just absorb enough insight that it'll soak in by osmosis. And I get you, I do this too. I love going on a run and listening to a book. And I find we all have this magical belief that we'll become the person we wanna be if we can just get it to absorb in the right way But change usually doesn't work that way. Real change happens when we create enough space between what's around us and our default thinking. So when you stop treating your emotional reactions like Oh, this is just proof that I'm not good enough, or I should just leave, or I'm not valued. Instead, if we could see those as an emotional window into our mind. That's what I want you to do in those charged moments. See it as an emotional window in. So when you feel yourself getting defensive or crumbling or shutting down, maybe you're spiraling or you're freaking out, instead of only judging the reaction, pause and ask yourself, what am I feeling right now? Can you name it? Maybe it's defensive, embarrassed, ashamed, afraid, exposed small, angry, overwhelmed, defeated, and then ask, why do I feel this way right now? What do I wish were different? Those questions are what create more space between what's happening around us and our emotion, our feeling, and that's where our thought lies. And the thought is the roots. The thought is what's running every single thing under that moment. 'Cause it could be they don't respect me. They think I'm incompetent. I'm not safe here. I have to prove myself. They don't value me. I can't handle this. I'm getting it wrong. Those thoughts are powerful and we think they're the facts. And when they go unquestioned, they quietly run the whole show. They give us the results in our life that we honestly don't want a lot of times. They're the things we want to change But once we can see those thoughts, we can then question them, we can examine them. We can ask ourselves, is that even true? How would I know that's true? Like, is it really true that I'm not safe here? Is it really true that I can't handle this? How am I doing the opposite? How am I safe here? How am I handling this? How is this exactly what they always do? When we can slow down and really question our thinking, that's where all our power comes back. get the result we want. It's because so often we're trapped in this default story where we never never pause long enough, never create enough space. So ask yourself next, how is it you actually want to show up here? Like what is it you want to feel? Do you want to feel confident or calm or curious Maybe assured or steady. And if that's how you want to feel in the meeting, what do you need to believe about you in the moment? What are the thoughts that you need to just let fall on the ground and step over? For confidence it could sound like I know I'm doing good work. I can handle questions without making them mean anything about my worth Maybe calm sounds like I can stay present even when there's tension. And maybe you can visualize a net to catch anybody's words before they get to you. And you can just let those words hit the net, fall on the ground, and be perfectly safe there. You don't have to react to them at all. Maybe curiosity sounds like, that's interesting, tell me more. You don't have to collapse just because it feels uncomfortable or it means anything about you. I love the idea of holding space for someone's words. and examining them. It's like you're going on a hike and you just picked up a rock on the trail and you're turning it over in your hand and you're wondering, hmm, this is fascinating. Look at this. Look how interesting this is. I wonder with those words they said, what do they mean by that? I wonder what's going on for them in this moment. I wonder how the words they're saying is actually a reflection of what's in their mind right now That's the kind of grounded curiosity that we need more of in our lives, and it changes our result way differently than just consuming more information. Some of the most meaningful change in my own life comes from very small daily pauses. One of the biggest things I've seen for me is in relation to organization. And I used to get so frustrated with myself about wanting my kitchen to be organized, wanting the house to feel cleaner. wanting things not to look so messy, and I kept honestly trying to find a better system, a better app, a better strategy, more motivation. There was a lot of self-loathing involved in this. Maybe just another book. But when I slowed down long enough to examine my thinking around why I was creating the result I was in my life, it was very simple for me. I honestly believed I'll just do it later Or I just don't feel like I have the energy right now. And that was what was creating that result of disorganization for me Instead, I started to question, what does later even mean? What am I avoiding and not doing it right now? Because I was actually making my life a lot more complicated. And so the thought that changed everything for me was everything has a place. I'll just put it back right now. This is actually the most efficient time to do it. That changed everything. Now when I open my pantry, it makes me giggle. And I love how organized my Tupperware lids are and my Tupperware and my car feels so clean. And I didn't get there by beating myself up more I got there by noticing my default thinking. I really questioned it and I sat with it and I practiced and I decided consciously what I wanted to think in that moment, how I wanted to feel about it. And I wanted to feel confident to just put stuff up. And that's what created a different result for me. The invitation is there for you to stop the self-loathing and stop the excessive consuming because you're just trying to osmosis your way into fixing something. It's not proof that you're failing when you run into something that isn't working. Get more honest with yourself. Create more space. Slow down. Be willing to look at the root of the result you're getting, which is your thinking. So the next time you have a big reaction at work, don't rush past it. Ask yourself, hmm, why did I do that again? What do I think caused that? And then ask yourself, okay, that's my emotional window in. What do I think caused that? And that'll show you your thinking. And then you can question it. Is that really true? How did I show up when I was thinking that? Because consuming is helpful. Again, it gives you the language. It gives you the language. It helps you understand what may be going on, but the real work, the real shift. The life change that you want happens when you slow down long enough to examine your own thinking. That's how you stop being dragged around by these unconscious thoughts of our brain that's always scanning for danger and thinking everything is a threat That's how you stop trying to force different actions when you're leaving the root of something untouched, unexamined. And that's how you start to become the person who can stay grounded at work no matter what's going on around you Not because you memorized the right script or some advice you have, but because you've learned how to notice, how to question, how to create the space, how to audit your thoughts with intentions. So here's your reflection for today. Where in your work life are you trying to change the fruit without examining the root? And what might change if the next emotional reaction you have in a meeting or in the hallway becomes an emotional window in to look at what's going on in your brain instead of just another opportunity to beat yourself up and find yourself in self-loathing. Because that is where all the power is with you. If this episode resonates with you, share it with someone who's in the same soup you are and feeling stuck and not getting the change they want. and living in their old patterns. If you're more curious about how to do this work with lots of practice, check out the School of Courage membership where we go into this stuff and we practice it so that it's in our bones. It's not just consuming more information. Go to lizjolly. com forward slash membership to check out more. With that, thanks for listening and I'll see you guys next week.