92 When You Work With Someone You Can’t Stand

Welcome to episode 92 of the Great Leader Great Mom Podcast, where we trade in mom guilt and burnout for courage, calm, and a whole lot more joy. I'm your host, Liz Jolly, engineer, turn life coach, mom of three. and founder of the School of Courage. Here we talk about leading at work and at home. Without losing your sanity, your sense of humor, or yourself. If you're ready to drop the guilt and grow your courage, you're in the right place. Today we're gonna talk about your nemesis at work. You know, the person you can't stand being in meetings with, where they don't even have to criticize you directly. Sometimes it's just their tone. Sometimes it's maybe side comments they make. Or the questions they ask that feel less like curiosity and more like a subtle dig or trying to stump the chump. They question your work, they push back on your ideas, they make you feel dumb in front of a boss And the second you see their name on a calendar invite, your body reacts. Maybe your chest tightens, you have racing thoughts. For me it was the hair on the back of my neck would stand up and I would feel dread. That's what we're talking about today. Here's what usually happens. Someone will say something and they behave in a way we don't like and we feel triggered. And our brain fills in the rest with its playlist of catastrophizing and making people terrible We think they're awful, they're out to get me, they're trying to make me look bad, and now you see their name on a new meeting invite. So before that new meeting even starts You're anxious and you're complaining about them to coworkers, you're venting about them at home. You replay conversations about previous meetings you've been in with them. And without realizing it, this person has taken over your whole day. This person has become so powerful in your life. Look how you're thrown off and you blame them for it. You're letting them, the few sentences they've said in the past, determine how you feel today how you behave, how you show up in every room throughout the day. Here's the uncomfortable part. They're saying words and you're the one making those words mean something about you. And now you are the one showing up as reactive, triggered, snippy, distracted, or maybe just closed off. You think they're the ones that are being awful, but notice what happens to you. You're tearing them down in conversations, you're blaming them for your bad mood. You're showing up as someone you don't actually want to be, someone you're not proud of So the real questions become, who do you want deciding how you show up in your life every day or in your career? Is it this other person that you call your nemesis or is it yourself? I call this giving your power away And when I say giving your power away, I don't mean that someone else is actually winning at some secret game. I mean you think about them more than you want to. Your mood shifts And you blame them. You can't be calm or clear around them. You can't think straight. You don't show up as your best self when you're around them or maybe their name even comes up in conversation. That's the power over your day, over your emotions, over your response. And you've given it to them. You've given them the key. Imagine a different scenario. Maybe the same person shows up in exactly the same way and they say the same things, they have the same tone, the same behavior, the same type of questions. But now you're grounded. You're calm, you're clear, you're confident. I always envision like you're the old olive tree standing strong even though it's windy and rainy and all the things are happening around it That's you. You can ask thoughtful questions. You don't rush to defend yourself. You don't need to prove anything. Your brain is f- fully online and stable. You might even smile or kind of smirk on the inside because you're not hooked, you're not triggered by them. That's the kind of badass energy we're gonna talk about today. And it's not because they changed at all Most of us respond to the difficult people in our lives the exact same way. We want to eliminate them and we think something like If they just left, I love my job, or this would be so much easier. Or we want to control them. And we think if somebody would just tell them how to behave or that they can't do that, then they would change. Or we want to feel validated with how we feel. So we ask others Do you see how awful they are? And we hope that they agree with us. But here's the spoiler alert, you can't control other humans, not at work, not at home, really not anywhere. The only person we have control over is ourselves. And the moment you stop trying to delete, manage, or fix the people you find the most difficult. you get your power back. And this does not mean that you let somebody walk all over you. It doesn't mean that you tolerate bad behavior. It doesn't mean you don't set boundaries or escalate the real issues. It means you're no longer reacting. You're no longer triggered by them. Because when you're reactive, you can't be witty and super courageous in that moment, you're derailed. Your lizard brain has taken over. You're not as sharp. And if you think about the response you really had in those moments, it's gonna be one that's calm and grounded and confident, the moment when you can really think clearly and respond in the way you want to. Here's how we address and improve our response around the people that trigger us the most. Tactic one is we need to separate their words or their actions from the meaning we give it So when someone says something that triggers you, silently ask yourself, what did they actually say and what is the story that I'm making up about it? What is the thought I have about it? All of our pain comes from the story we attach to their actions, their words. So if we think they're disrespecting me or they're trying to embarrass me or they think I'm incompetent All of that, honestly, is a story you're making up. And that's what's causing the suffering. Because the moment you think those thoughts, you're derailed, you're triggered, you're emotionally hooked. We need to work on staying present. So the second tactic is decide who you're gonna be before going into a meeting and you know they're gonna be there. Don't walk into a meeting hoping I'm gonna just handle it well or maybe they'll be different this time and they won't do what they always do. When you decide in advance and you ask yourself, how do I want to show up no matter what goes on in the meeting And you can choose the emotion of calm or curious or grounded or clear. You can really bring that into your whole being, your whole body and your mind before the meeting. This will prevent you from being triggered. You'll be more aware of your body and your emotions and the thoughts that come in that get you emotionally hooked. Tactic 3. Slow down your body to speed up your brain. You can't be witty, sharp, or confident while your nervous system is totally hooked by the emotion. So when they say something, slow down your breathing, relax your shoulders, plant your feet, and tell yourself, of course this is what they're doing. They do this every time. It'll create enough of a pause that you can stay in control. You can stay as the observer, the one who's aware of your response and the way they're showing up. And that's where your best reaction is gonna come from. Tactic four, ask questions instead of defending Defensiveness gives all our power over to them because then we're emotionally hooked. We're escalating the conflict. Whereas if you can be curious in the moment and you can ask a question, it takes all your power back So next time try. Can you say more about what you're concerned about or walk me through where your mind is going in terms of why do you think that's a problem? Or Connect the dots for me. This does three things for you. It keeps you grounded. It shifts the spotlight off of you. It shows confidence without aggression. And you have to do this from a emotion like Grounded or confident or calm, if you try to ask those questions from a place of defensiveness, it'll get derailed So tactic five, stop processing them everywhere else you go in your day. This one matters because every time you complain about someone, you replay what happened, you replay your story, you tear them down, you keep them in control of your day. So ask yourself, how am I becoming what I'm calling them when I show up like this? You don't have to like them. You just need to stop carrying them around with you all day long in conversations. Think of how much energy you've wasted on them. Your reaction is where your power lies. Victor Frankel says, you can't always control the circumstances, but you can always control your response. Every difficult person gives you a choice. There in your life to teach you something, to make you more of a badass at work and in life. You can let them decide how you show up. Or you can decide in advance who you want to be, no matter who's in the room or what's happening around you. You can be the person who's confident, assured, grounded, clear. You don't need them to be different for you to have your power and have your own back. That is how you become the real badass that you are. Sorry if you don't like the cursing, but I really couldn't come up with another word that outlines what I know all of you really are deep down and you're capable of. So the goal isn't to win against anyone. The goal is to stop losing yourself around the people that we give our power to. If you enjoy what you're hearing and you wanna go through a I have a weekly teaching call with in the School of Courage, where a group gathers together, I teach for an hour and answer questions. Eventually we're gonna get to where we can do more live coaching. But for now, this is a place to learn and invest in you and develop your own growth for the year so that you can really be that woman who walks into any room. and feels confident and grounded no matter what's happening around you. If you're interested, go to lizjolly. com forward slash membership or the link is in the notes With that, I wish everybody an amazing week and we'll see you guys next time.