87 When You Don’t Get the Role You Wanted Showing Up Fully in the Job You Did Get

Welcome to the Great Leader Great Mom podcast, where we trade in mom guilt and burnout for courage, calm, and a whole lot more joy. I'm your host. Liz Jolly, engineer, turn life coach, mom of three, and founder of the School of Courage. Here we talk about leading at work and at home. without losing your sanity, your sense of humor, or yourself. If you're ready to drop the guilt and grow your courage, you're in the right place. To kick off 2026, I put together something very special for you. It's a curated list of my favorite podcast and videos on leadership and culture. These are resources I have come back to over and over again. Every time I watch them I take away something new. You can grab it for free at lizjolly. com forward slash leadership dash culture or by tapping the link in the show notes. Check it out. It's totally free. I think you'll really enjoy it. Well, this is episode 87, and we today are gonna talk about when you don't get a role that you wanted and how to show up fully in the job you did get. Lately I've noticed a lot of people that are starting the year with a brand new role. And if this is you, and if you're thinking, if I were better, I would have gotten that other job, that manager job, that one that had the promotion, that one that was in the group that was really special Maybe you're thinking they don't actually see my value. I've heard people say they must not think I'm as qualified as I thought, and that's why I didn't get the role. These topics are what we're gonna dive into in the episode today A lot of women really are walking around, especially at the start of the year, carrying around what I call the disappointment hangover. Perhaps at your company there was a re-org recently. Maybe there were two roles open and you didn't get the one you had your heart set on. Maybe you changed groups or you have a new boss or you're at a different company And you're still quietly wondering, was I the first choice or was I the third choice? Or were they forced to take me? And if we're not careful, those thoughts follow us around into a new season and it's Sets the tone for the entire year, which in the end just holds us back. So today I want to help you start this role in this new year, even if it's the same role you're in and anything has changed, like your boss or your peers. Let's start this year from a place of courage and confidence, not from the sneaky belief of they must not think I'm good enough, because really that's a cover for us believing that we are not good enough enough. These sneaky thoughts, they will shape our entire year without us even knowing it. So let's today examine our mind and set up this year For a year where we will grow, we will perform at our best, and we will further unlock our potential, no matter what the job is today that we're in, or the job we're gonna get, or who your boss is. I know a lot of you want to tell me about how bad your boss is. I hear you. Keep listening. Let's start with an example and slow it all down. Let's say you're in role A and you didn't get role B. Perhaps this could be you landed in a new group with a new boss and you didn't choose it. I want to point out that that is a fact. That part is neutral, but immediately all of our brains Go into this default mode, which is very negative, pretty much 100% of the time. Nothing has gone wrong with the fact that this is a negative response your brain has. We catastrophize. We normally don't even notice that this is so negative. We go through our day most of the time very unconscious With this podcast, we are going to learn to pause, to slow down, to become aware of what we're thinking. So we can examine it and decide, is this serving me or is this just my brain catastrophizing and offering its negative default thoughts? Because most of the time, everyone, this is what your brain is doing. I've heard lately from folks that say they didn't pick me for this role, and I really wanted it. They've also said, if I were truly valued and appreciated, I would have gotten that other role. They must think I'm not ready for a big role like that. And they feel so deflated. Like if you're thinking any of those things, of course you're gonna feel deflated. All of these thoughts Stem from the belief that if others don't think we're good enough, all of these thoughts stem from this underlying belief that if others don't think we're good enough, then it must mean we're not good enough. And it comes back to the fact that if you really believed in your value and your worth no matter what, then it pretty much wouldn't really matter what other people thought. And I can hear all of you pushing back. But here's why we want this to be true. Because if you show up and you think they must not think I'm ready, then you're gonna feel defeated. And when you're feeling defeated, you show up in a way that's withdrawn, that's quieter in meetings, you don't speak. up, you don't say anything. Maybe you double check yourself because you're full of doubt. Maybe you hesitate to share any of your ideas. You're waiting for the proof that you're really valued. And the result you get just because you're thinking that you must not be ready is that you're not ready. You're showing people a watered-down version of you, not because you lack value. But because you're already assuming that they don't see it and you're making that opinion true because you show up that way When we let these negative default thoughts soak into our brain, we end up believing it's true. We let it take root in our mind, and it really does affect the way we show up. We remove any of the chances for us to show up and show off our skills and be amazing and prove them wrong in a sense. Not because proving them wrong is what matters, but because you don't want anybody to come and say an opinion that they've just made up and have that impact your day. Truly, we want to show up as our best self and bring value no matter what the people around us think of us or assume we're doing in our day or the value we have. Because when we do that, it gives them all of the power over us. And we don't want to be giving them that power. Let me walk you through another example. Say you came to me right after a big re-org and you said, look, they moved me into this new role and it's fine, but the role I really wanted went to someone else. So clearly they don't see me as a high potential. I'm solid, but I must not be star material. When you're thinking that, you feel devastated. So from the thought, I'm not star material, you feel devastated, and then you show up in the role not as your best self Maybe you disagree with everybody because you agree with them that, well, I must not know. You don't push back even when you have a better idea. Maybe you overprepare because you've doubted yourself the whole time in preparation. Maybe you worked late to try to stay visible for the bosses and the people around. And after a few months, you end up in this place where You would say, I feel like a placeholder, not a leader, not somebody that gets a role like the one I wanted. So if you put this into our framework, our self-coaching model, The circumstance is another person got a role you wanted. Then we look at how does that make you then we determine the thought. And in this case it was, if I were star material, they would have picked me. And that makes you feel devastated. So when you're devastated, you shrink, you give up, you stare at your computer, you don't contribute in normal like you normally would in meetings You aren't even star material for yourself. So why should you want them to think that you're a star when you don't even believe it anymore? anymore. You don't even believe in your own value. And we don't give anyone the chance to see it because we buried it in ourselves. So if you open up a different possibility And you can find your way to understanding that we really don't know why the leaders made the decisions they did. We don't know why you didn't get that job. Leaders so often make decisions from their opinions about people. And there's politics, and there's the complexity of all kinds of things that go into who gets what role. And we never fully know. So if you can tell yourself, I don't actually know why they chose this other person, I only know what I'm making it mean about me. the thought that you're creating about it, your opinion on it. It's only an opinion. And if you can look in and say, I can decide to bring all of my value here, regardless of whatever the role is I'm in, regardless of their reasons for not giving me that role, I can show up today as my best self and bring the value. Why do we want to let what someone else thinks, their opinion, determine how we show up? When we do that, we're just confirming their thoughts about us, their opinions about us. Don't let them rain on your parade. Don't let them affect your performance this year. You're letting yourself be brought down by someone else's opinion. We need to learn to be invincible to their thoughts about you. We need to realize that just because someone thinks it doesn't make it true. It just makes it their opinion. You can be curious about it, but it doesn't mean that you're not star material. It doesn't mean that you don't have the potential that someone else has. So when we can bring ourselves to this place of real compassion about we don't know the context, we don't know the details behind their opinion. then we can decide to show up and bring the value in the job or in, no matter what. No one can take that away from you. Here's some examples that I found that fascinated me Oprah Winfrey was told she was unfit for TV news. So early in her career, Oprah was fired from her job as a TV news anchor A producer literally told her that she was unfit for television news and she was too emotional. She moved to a daytime talk show format that actually leaned into her emotional presence and connection. And that became the Oprah Winfrey show, which we know is one of the most successful talk shows in history. And she built a media empire. So her boss at some point thought she was essentially flawed. She was just too emotional, too much. But she told herself that her strengths were the whole point. She just needed to get really clear on her value and find the way to unlock that. And she didn't let her boss shut her down or push her away from TV and she didn't believe him. She kept going. Here's another example. Many of you have heard this potentially, but J. K. Rowling, her manuscript for Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone was rejected by twelve different publishers. One editor reportedly told her that children just aren't interested in stories like this anymore A small London publisher, Bloomsbury, finally took a chance after the CEO's eight-year-old daughter read the first chapter and begged to see more of the story. Rowling believed in her story's value when there was zero external evidence that it was valuable. She kept sending it out. She edited it. She tried it again and again. She didn't have the thought that every publisher must see my value and if they don't, I must not be valuable. She went continuously onward and thought, I know this story matters. I bring the value and I'm gonna keep knocking until I find the right person who lines up with what I see as the potential value here. And if J. K. Rowling had decided the 12th rejection was proof that she wasn't a real writer or she should just give up, there would be no Harry Potter. And frankly, I would be super disappointed, because I love Harry Potter. And Oprah Winfrey wouldn't exist had she listened to that producer tell her that she was too emotional. When your boss passes you over for a role, don't sit there and think, well, if they don't see my value, I must not be valuable, or I should go get a new job in a different company. Pause and think that is their thoughts and their criteria and their opinion, and it does not actually indicate my value. You can show up in the job you're in. And blow your own mind. You can be amazing. We need to drop how attached we are to what other people think is our value. So if we go back to the example and think, if I were really good, they would have picked me. And we instead think that's their opinion. It's not the truth. I decide whether this is valuable. And that can bring you to a place of groundedness. Then you can still show up. You can be your authentic self in meetings. You can ask tough questions. questions, you can challenge, you can deliver performance in a way that is authentically you without hustling for other people to approve your value. When you get really clear on this in your job and you show up delivering the value no matter what. People will see it. And granted, it won't be everybody. You're not there to be everybody's favorite person. You're there to bring the value and to unlock your potential. Here's the piece we often forget. Your boss, the promotion committee, whoever it is around you at work, they all have their own thoughts, opinions. Histories, fears, blind thoughts, biases, and criteria of what good looks like to them in any role, we don't have access to those thoughts. We can't get in their brain and decide their own checklist. They probably can't even articulate it if you were to ask. You only have access to your own brain. Find something else to tell yourself that really is believable. It could be something like they wanted a different personality on the team. They needed somebody who would be a yes man. Or it's political. That's okay. It doesn't mean you have to go fight it. Just acknowledging that can calm down your brain. You can also think they misjudge me. People do. You can think they had to put them in a role and they had their reasons. That's okay. We don't know the context. We really don't. You're gonna make up a story either way So make up a story that helps unlock pot your potential instead of holding you back and showing up in a way where you don't even value you. Don't use their decision as anything other than their opinion. And they're allowed their opinion. People can be wrong about you. They're wrong about us every single day. See it as just data and you decide what you want to believe. You have two options. You have one that gives all your power of your value to somebody outside of you. The other one is taking your power back and determining how you're going to show up every day and how you're going to bring the value. So how do we do this from a place of courage and confidence? The first step is let's name the sentence in your brain. Let's determine what the thought is that's causing you to feel this devastation or this defeat Write it all down. Just be like, what is the problem I think right now? And unload. You don't have to make it pretty. Usually the messier the better. As you get it out all on paper, think this is a thought. It's not the truth about me. This is my opinion about what happened, and I just made it up. Ask yourself, so what? Like, what does it matter if you got a role due to being a consolation prize? What does it matter if you aren't their top star? Who cares? incredibly impactful in the role you're in, no matter what the role. Don't let people rain on your parade. Go prove them wrong. Not because it's the goal to prove them wrong, but because it's who you want to be. It's who you are. Go blow your own mind to see what you're capable of. The second step for 2026, decide what you want to believe on purpose. Really ask yourself, who do I want to be in this role this year? How would I show up if I believed my value was not in question? If I dropped what other people's opinion of me was? What does good look like to me? Don't come up with some fluffy affirmation that you don't believe And like, I'm so grateful for my job. This is gonna be amazing. When your brain follows that up with but dot dot dot dot that means you're not ready to believe it. You have to start small and really dig into those details on why am I making this mean something? Like if they don't think I'm the star, why do I care? Let me go be the star for me in my everyday The third step is to take one courageous action from your new thought. Like if you can believe that I am qualified for this role or I bring the value no matter what Maybe you're gonna speak up more in meetings. Maybe you're gonna share an idea without over-apologizing. Maybe you're gonna leave on time one night and think it doesn't matter that I'm here till 6 p. m. This is not who I am Maybe you're gonna stop redoing a slide deck for the 53rd time. Maybe you're gonna say, here's my recommendation, instead of prefacing it with something like, I might be wrong here, but dot dot dot. Many of you women, I know this is what you do because I've been there. Each of those small actions is how we can build our confidence in these little steps. We want to prove to ourselves that we do bring the value here. and let's build our confidence. It's a choice either way. If you're starting this year and you're in a new role and you're also juggling motherhood and schedules and homework and meetings and life is so full. If there's a little part of you that keeps whispering, if I were really good, they would have chosen differently. I want you to hear this. You're not behind. You're not a consolation prize. Your value did not get downgraded because someone else got a different job. Other people's decisions are coming from their thoughts and their opinions. opinions. What are you going to make this season, this beginning of 2026, mean in your story? Start this role from courage and confidence, not from self-doubt, dressed up as being realistic. You don't have to wait for them to finally see your value. You can start leading like you believe in it right now. January inside the School of Courage is all about being a joyful leader and a joyful mom. We're talking about how to lead at work and at home with more clarity, with more calm and joy, without burning ourselves out. And this month is so impactful. You can learn more and join us at courage. thscholofcourage. com You can see the link in the show notes as well. I'd love to see you all inside. With that, I'll see you next time. Have an amazing week, everyone.