83 Holiday People-Pleasing Why Women Default to Yes and How to Finally Say No

Welcome to the Great Leader, Great Mom Podcast, where we traded mom guilt and burnout for courage, calm, and whole on for joy. I'm your host, Liz Jolly, engineer, turn life coach, mama three, and founder of the School of Courage. Here we talk about leaving at work and at home without losing your sanity, your sense of humor, or yourself. If you're ready to drop the guilt and grow your courage, you're in the right place. Today is all about holiday people pleasing and how why especially during the holidays we women default to saying yes and then we feel so guilty when we say no And we're going to talk about why December is the month where your boundaries evaporate like you never had them in the first place So if your holidays turn you into the over-committing, over-volunteering, over-functioning version of yourself, this episode is all for you. Let me tell you a very realistic December moment You sit down, you open your email, and you already have a sign-up for the class party coming up, a request for teacher gifts with the Amazon gift list, a group text from extended family about who's bringing what to the holiday meal. a holiday charity drive at work for food donations, clothes donations, toy donations, a cookie exchange, a favorite things party, and your kids telling you that they need holiday socks by tomorrow for school. You guys with me So your nervous system is already overwhelmed and then someone says, Hey, could you bring another dish to this party? Could you host the family dinner this year? Can you run by the store and grab dot dot dot Can you just do one more thing? And what comes out of your mouth? Usually it's yes, of course. Not because you want to, not because you have the capacity to do it. Not because it aligns with your values, but because saying no feels like you're disappointing the entire human race. So in this December, your no is broken. So let's talk about why we all default to yes, especially in December. What I find is women in leadership, especially moms, default to yes for very specific, understandable reasons. Let's break these down. People pleasing is emotional survival training. We have been conditioned our entire lives to be agreeable, to be helpful, to be accommodating, to be pleasant, to be flexible, to be easy, to keep the peace, to be the person that everybody really likes. So saying yes feels like emotional safety, it feels like a requirement. And no feels like conflict or tension or being too difficult or being a disappointment. which your brain interprets every single time as danger, and our brain avoids danger. The second reason is you think other people's happiness is your job. This is this internal script in all of us that says, if I don't do it, the holiday falls apart. Or if I say no, someone's gonna be upset at me. Or if I don't help, I'm letting people down. It's easier to do it myself than to deal with the fallout. December amplifies all of this tenfold. And the third reason is you link saying no to being selfish. Women, we aren't taught boundaries so often. We're taught self-sacrifice as the way to live your life So saying no feels wrong, even when saying no is the healthiest choice we can make. So here's a story for you. One of my clients was legitimately stressing out about having friends gather at dinner at their house right before Christmas and they were in between trips and she was l so stressed out about what to cook, how to get everything ready when to find the food to cook for the meal and was complaining and freaking out. And we all do this. She was trying to plan this elaborate gathering with super fancy food, all the decorations, all the ideal things that you would assume happen in a holiday party, but she really didn't want to. And she never asked herself, what is it she really wants So here are the questions that I went through with her to bring freedom and joy to that holiday gathering. The first was, what is the purpose of this gathering in your mind? And she said it's to connect with friends and celebrate the holiday. Second question was, what is the feeling that you choose to create with this gathering? And she said it's connection and comfort. And I said, okay, well, with that in mind, then what is the food, the attire, the setting that creates that connection and comfort you're looking for? And she said, well it's probably like wearing pajamas and eating something super simple and maybe we play a card game or watch a movie. And then I said, okay, well what doesn't need to happen if that's what you're solving for? Comfort and connection. And she said, well then we don't need the fancy meal like the prime rib or whatever. We don't need the fancy clothes, we don't need the fancy decorations. She didn't even have to put a tree up between all our trips. And there was such relief across her whole body when she said this. And the delight she felt when she said, yes, this is exactly what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna have everybody over for dinner. And we're gonna solve for comfort and connection. And she did not realize she was just assuming there was one outcome when you think about having people over for dinner and it's this classical elaborate holiday extravaganza, which is totally not necessary, especially if there's real friends and they just want to hang out too But here she was and she didn't want to say no to them because she wanted to connect with them and she didn't want a disappointment. She really cares about them and didn't want them to think that she didn't care But she did not sit down and get clear on what is it she really wanted and why and what the feeling was she wanted to create So here's the hidden cost of people pleasing, especially during the holidays. Cause when we say yes to everything, this is what happens. resentment builds, we start operating from pressure and stress, not from desire or doing things that we actually want to do. We lose our presence. We can't even like focus because our mind is restless and racing everywhere. We get overstimulated, we get overwhelmed, we become the holiday martyr You stop enjoying the season, you're working so hard to create, and your energy just collapses. And here's the worst part. People don't even see how hard you're working because you're doing it all quietly, automatically, and beautifully, and you're suffering, but you really feel the cost. F let's put this into the self-coaching model to see how this breaks down. Because this is how we become more conscious. So if you Assume a circumstance that say at school someone asks you to bring something or volunteer for the holiday party, or at work, someone says, Hey, can you make cookies? So that is the circumstance. Someone says something. The thought you may have is if I say no, they'll be disappointed in me. And that thought creates pressure. And from the feeling of pressure, you say yes, you overcommit, you overextend, you take on tasks you don't have capacity for You hide your resentment, you pretend it's all fine, and the result you get is you disappoint yourself and you reinforce this belief that your needs don't matter. That's not what we need to do this holiday season. So here's how we fix our broken no without feeling like a monster. These are all the tools that you're gonna want this holiday season. The first one is Let your default answer be, I will check and get back to you. So this one sentence will transform your holidays because it creates a pause And pauses interrupt our people pleasing brains that just jump to default. And that gives us time to check out what is my actual bandwidth right now? What are my feelings and why I would Do this or not do this? What is my schedule? What do I want to do? And what is valuable to me right now? And if the answer is no, then you can come back and calmly say, thanks for thinking of me. I'm not able to do that this year Clear, kind, clean. So here's the second thing to do. Ask yourself, why am I saying yes? So if your answer is from a place of guilt or disappointing somebody, fear of disappointing somebody, or avoiding conflict, or because you feel obligated or no one else will do it right. or because you don't want to deal with their emotions, do not say yes. That is from a terrible emotion. Never make a decision from guilt or obligation or trying to control other people's thoughts about you The third tool is adopt a new rule. Only say yes when it creates peace and love and connection. Never say yes that leads to resentment. If saying yes is gonna make you feel resentment later, which is always from a feeling of guilt, then the answer should be no Don't disappoint yourself anymore just to avoid disappointing others. When you feel guilt in making a decision or obligation, that is your red flag that you've abandoned yourself, your own needs, your own desires, and that's not what we're about this holiday season. That leads to exhaustion, not to delight and holiday enjoyment. Number four, saying no without overexplaining. Women, all of us, tend to overexplain. We tend to justify, to apologize, to manage other people's emotions when we say no and we need to stop. We need to realize that we can just say no because we want to. We don't have to bring people over to our side to agree with us or anything So get clear in your decision, make sure the emotion it's coming from is a clean emotion, not guilt or resentment or obligation and then have your own back. So this can look like you say, thanks for asking. I can't do it this week. I totally appreciate the invite. I'm keeping our schedule lighter this season. And that's it. Like you don't have to explain yourself Be willing to disappoint others instead of constantly disappointing yourself. Get clear on your decisions. There's so much out there in this holiday season that we never stop and question. We're not conscious of. So this season Let's stop being people pleasers and let's start live and create the holiday season we want. If you like this episode and you want more, join my School of Courage membership. go to courage dot the school of courage dot com and find out more there. I wish you all an amazing week as you prepare as the holidays get closer. Take care everybody