71 The Myth of Getting an A in Parenting

You are listening to the Great Leader Great Mom podcast, episode 71. I'm your host, Liz Jolly, founder of the School of Courage. I'm an engineer turned life coach because I saw the need for more courage in my own life as a mom and wanting to be a great leader. I use the skills we cover every day in my own life and I'm excited to teach them to you so you can unlock your own potential. Well this is the next part about focusing on getting an A and how that is a myth that we unravel in midlife. And this is about the parenting side. So often when we become parents, we read the books, we try to figure out all the things to be the perfect parent. And many of us look back on our own childhood experience and our parents and think, wow, they really wouldn't have gotten an A, maybe a C minus or B at some times. And we're very critical and judgy of our parents. And so we have this thought that like we could be better parents than them. We could get an A. I think there's part of us that wants to do better than our own parents, whatever that means to you And then I think there's also part of us that really live in comparison where we don't want others thinking that we're not being quote unquote a good parent. And so we strive for Really what it means to be an A in parenting. Again, none of us are perfect parents. I don't think we're ever supposed to have perfect parents But still all of us really want to be a parent that gets an A. And I see it in myself when my kids are suffering or they're sad. or they're disappointed and I so often think that I didn't do something right and therefore they are suffering or having a negative experience. And it's like part of me assumes that had I done something better, had I really shown up as a parent that would have gotten an A they would not have suffered so much. And how many of us want our kids not to make the same quote unquote mistakes that we did in our lives so that they can avoid some type of suffering or negative emotion that we felt when we were growing up We so want to protect our kids from feeling shame or feeling disappointed or feeling heartache, feeling pain and grief or sadness or loneliness. And for some reason we think that if we do it right, that they could avoid feeling those negative emotions. I experienced this in the last couple of weeks when I took a work trip and was out of town and I was gone like from the house maybe 36 hours. But what I found was my kids were really sad and one of them was having a really hard time going to sleep and she would cry and she would call me and it was so heartbreaking And I was noticing in my mind how much I wanted to beat myself up and being not a good parent for leaving town at all to go on a work trip. And that I should listen to them and just come home. Which by being aware of it really made me see, no, that's ridiculous. Like it's probably one really good that they have some time away and that we get to talk on the phone and experience something different. And they were fine. Like in the end, they all fell asleep. They all got up and went to school. They all survived and had a good time in reality But there were so many moments when I felt guilty for being gone and thinking a good parent wouldn't have done this. And while I was gone and I felt the heartache of one of my children with me away I wanted them to feel better and I was beating myself up and feeling really bad myself for leaving and thinking I should be able to fix it. when the reality was this was just part of the experience and I had such a good work trip and was able to make an impact at work while at the same time they had a great experience in the end too. This was just one of the low moments. It is amazing how different actual parenting is from the parenting books that we immerse ourselves in, well, pregnant or expecting And how much more complicated it is to have children. And that even though a book will say, here's what quote unquote best parenting is, that no matter what, you're not a hundred percent. Like there are days and you're tired and they're tired and people are hangry and hungry. And it's just y you don't have a whole lot, and that's okay. I think the more we can show our kids the reality of what it means to be a human, especially a human parrot the more they can see how we deal with life when things aren't going the way we expect them to, when we do face negative emotion, that our tendency may be to fix it right away, but that it's not necessary. And that it's okay when we don't get an A or when we get a C. I find those moments when I would give myself a C as huge learning moments when I get to re-decide What does good parenting look like in that moment? Like how would I show up next? Not beating myself up over the past or what I wish I would have done differently, but the future, because that's what we can create. What often happens with many of us is we know we're not A plus material and so we hide and we pretend and we stuff down our own negative feelings and we keep running after the A by beating ourselves up in the hope that we'll do better, that we'll remember things, that we'll get it together, that we'll say the right thing. And it just never works. What happens for you is what happens for me is we just end up feeling terrible in those moments. And then And then we're really not the parent we want to be because we're so miserable beating ourselves up that we don't show up as a parent that's centered around loving our children when we spend our whole day hustling for an A in parenting for someone to look in on how we raise our kids and give us an A or praise us or give us an accolade or smile and say, you're such a good mom or dad It's just hilarious. Like, do we really think that would happen? If we spend that time hustling nonstop, we're totally burned out at the end and we're living for something outside of us, not for our own love for our children. And many feel so burnt out because we've beat ourselves up and we've judged ourselves and we're so mean. So let's come to the acceptance that there is no perfect parent. You were never supposed to have perfect parents, and you are not supposed to be the perfect parent. It doesn't mean you just give up and don't care. What I'm saying is that When you fall short, when you are a B minus parent, that's part of the deal. Like we want to show our kids our imperfections, but our abundant unconditional love in all of it, especially when we're just at B minus or sometimes C. Our childhood and our children's own childhood is exactly what it should be. And how do we know this? It's because it is what we have and thinking it should have been different. is arguing with reality, which we you've heard me probably say one of my favorite quotes by Byron Cady, where she says, you can argue with reality But you'll lose only 100% of the time, over and over again. All kids need is a mom and dad that they have. Because that's what they have. That's the reality. So what if parenting for all of us isn't about the A? Isn't about someone looking in and giving us the praise? Know that we are all human and humans make mistakes. By nature, we're a hot mess sometimes. Sometimes we're killing it, and it's so good. We should get an A, but other times when we're not, it's okay. Beating yourself up is not helpful, and definitely don't give up. If you find yourself in one of these moments where it feels really low being a parent, ask yourself, how do I want to show up? And usually the answer is bringing yourself back to love. Love for your kids, love for you, and an unconditional love. Not one that's dependent on everything going right or people doing and saying the right things, but loving people just as they are Many of us think that when we transfer our own life checklist to our children, that would be indicative of us getting an A. And what I mean is how often when our kids are doing well in school or they get into a good school or they get a good job, they get great grades, they make a lot of money, they maybe buy a house, maybe they have kids. They feel secure in their own life. And it's like all the life boxes are checked. And many of us think, well, now I've done a great job. I'm a good parent. But the reality is We ourselves have probably unraveled that own myth in midlife and have to figure out what is the point? Like why are we all here? It's the growth and the progress. towards seeing what we're capable of, not getting to the point where we're comfortable all the time. If you missed this one, go back three episodes and listen to that when we talk about embracing the discomfort. Look at you as a parent and bring yourself back to love. It's not about you getting an A or someone praising you for doing a great job. It's about loving unconditionally, and that really is what kids need more than anything. It doesn't mean you're not a good mom or dad when things get a little rough. Truly. In the moments where you're so worried about controlling your kids and their outcome to quote unquote success, the more you're gonna show up as a crazy person controlling everything they do and the results they get That is not an unconditional loving parent. That is one that's kind of manic trying to control everybody. And nobody likes that. Think of the people in your life that do that to you. Every time we hold up this perfect version of how we should be as a parent to the reality of our own parenting, it is painful. And so we need to lay down that comparison of reality versus our perfect parenting manual. And stop suffering, stop beating yourself up. Don't give up. Find your way back to love. Because that's what every child needs. And sometimes it's a hot mess. Or a C. I wish you all an amazing week. If you want more info, go to lizjolly. com and I'll see you guys next time.