70 The Myth of Getting an A in Life Career

You are listening to the Great Leader Great Mom podcast, episode 70. I'm your host, Liz Jolly, founder of the School of Courage. I'm an engineer turn life coach because I saw the need for more courage in my own life as a mom and wanting to be a great leader. I use the skills. to cover every day in my own life and I'm excited to teach them to you so you can unlock your own potential. Well today is all about the myth of trying to get an A in life and particularly we're going to talk about this at work and in your career. If you think about how you're raised from a very early age, you crave approval 'Cause it makes you feel so good, right? Like you do something well, someone tells you good job, your whole face lights up, and you're filled with dopamine and delight. And we go through our whole childhood therefore looking for this praise. And this approval from all the people around us, whether we're at school or with our family or even with friends. And I see this with my own kids, the pride that comes from getting an A Getting the praise, getting the approval from whether it's a teacher or friends or a parent, of course. They love it when we tell them, good job, or I'm so proud of you, right? And I can see it as well when my kids come home and they don't get an A and they are potentially disappointed in themselves. It's almost like early on we learn that You're programmed to get an A, to get an A in not just school. And when you're a kid, school feels like everything in your life. And so often if you get an A, it means you made no mistakes. It's that you answered everything perfectly, correctly. So we're conditioned to make no mistakes, to have answers for everything, to live the ideal life and get an A all the time. It grows from just being about school to being about all the other areas of our life. including our career. We are raised having this belief that you should get good grades, you should get into a great college, you should go get a good job. And then in your job, of course, you should get an A. And we're going to talk about in the next episode about being the perfect parent and getting an A in parenting. But today is all about how this belief that we should get an A translates into our work life and into what we see as the purpose of our career. And part of this tension that comes up with getting an A at work is that we expect people to notice. We expect people to look at us and review us and give us an A or not. And I hear people say, well if they don't care, as in the company, then why should I care? Like why does it even matter? And if you translate that into the language we're talking about today, it's like if nobody's watching me to give me an A or tell me good job or Praise me, then why should I even bother? And I can't tell you how many times I've heard people say this in different small group meetings over the last couple months And I ask the question right back to people and say, well, answer the question, why do you care, especially when no one else around you does? Cause if you don't care, then why should anybody else care? We so often don't answer this question on why what we do matters. Because it goes back to our childhood where we're only doing things if it actually matters. Like if there's somebody there who's going to give us the grade and tell us good job and we get credit for it. And I see this with my children at home where the teacher will give them some extra practice to learn a concept and I'll say, hey, let's let's work on this extra math and they'll say no mom it's not required it's not graded it doesn't matter I don't need to do it and all I can think of is like wow isn't that interesting how we associate what matters with what is graded what is required Instead of this internal motivation, which I'm not saying kids should necessarily all have this, I just think it's fascinating how we learn this as children, and then we perpetuate this belief through so much of our life. And if you think in your own life about the difference between internal motivation, like I want to do this because I want to be good at it, versus external motivation, which is more of I'm only doing it if I get graded and if it counts towards something. It feels totally different and it gives us a different result And if we sit down and wait for the external motivation and we just aren't around the people who say the things that would motivate us, like they don't use the right words to praise us or reward us. or whatever it means in our work life to give us an A. Maybe it's a high performance review, it's a plus rating. Whatever system your company uses, so often we are seeking that. And the moment we don't get it. We translate it into, I'm not appreciated, I should just quit, nobody wants me here. Which is completely ridiculous because That becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy instead of you deciding what is the value that I bring to the table no matter what the job. Because the more we know and acknowledge our own value, the more other people will see it. And granted, there will always be the people. who just don't, but that's on them. I think one of the biggest mistakes corporations make is we perpetuate this. You should get an A, you should get The plus rating, which makes people think that you're only as good as your rating. The value you bring to the table equates to how much your boss translates what you do into valuable And I don't know about you, but I've had enough bosses that all think different things are important. Like there was once a manager who only thought time at your desk was important and grammar. And I didn't do so good on the grammar part because I am probably dyslexic and can't spell. And so that didn't help me so much when he would review one of the documents that we had to submit to get funding. And Mine was like bleeding with red, whereas you talk to a different leader and maybe one that aligns more of what's valuable to me and they would just think I'm a top performer. And I know all of you have the same experience as well. I am not unique in this. And if you really ask yourself at work, what is it that I bring to the table that no one else does What do I care about when I come to work every single day? Because you are making the choice to show up for your job, whether you acknowledge it or not. Think of the tragedy that You were capable of so much more at work and you just sat down waiting for someone to tell you you were good at something or you're capable of something or someone to tell you you did a good job And you never know this because you're waiting for that external validation instead of finding it for yourself and unlocking it and really reaching your potential in your career. And work may have performance reviews with bosses that don't get your value and they underestimate you. Let people underestimate you. Go show yourself what you're made of, what you're capable of. Find the value in the role you're in, no matter what people think. It doesn't mean you're oblivious to feedback or adjusting to be even more valuable. but get really clear with yourself about what good looks like to you and then seek to fulfill that to add that value. Your value is something you must find for yourself, especially at work. not from the other people around you. And I would say for me, the more that I've seen this with myself and the more I've leaned into what I am really good at the more it's reflected back to me from all kinds of people around, not just my boss, not just the direct group I'm in. And that is really powerful because it creates a confidence in which you show up That is totally different than one based on external validation. So when you find yourself in a pity party because your company or your boss or your peers don't appreciate you enough or they're not praising you or telling you how you're valuable then that's the sign that you need to work on knowing the value you bring to the role you're in. Such that any job you're in, you can bring the value. Many of our jobs have a ton of white space in which we can add even more value than whatever is on the job description. And if you find yourself also looking for another company that will validate your value, that will care about you, stop You need to find that for you first. You will be disappointed with another company because you're bringing the same beliefs about where your value comes from with you wherever you go. People will be wrong about you and let them get clear with yourself on what your value is, not from a place of comparison and being better than someone else, but from a place of What are you good at? Why do you care? What value do you want to bring to the world? Go work on that. Answer these questions for you. Why should you care even when no one else does? Don't care because someone's going to give you an A or they're standing there grading you. Don't do it for the praise. And you'll know your value comes from within when people do give you a praise. a compliment and tell you you're doing a great job. And it matters very little to what you think about your value. It's like, yeah, it's amazing. I know. Not from a place of cockiness, that's totally different. But from a place of you really truly are clear on the value you bring to the table So that's all I have for you today. If you want more information or you want to contact me, go to lizjolly. com. With that, everybody, have a great week.