45 Unpacking Feedback Myths

You are listening to the Great Leader Great Mom podcast, episode 45. I'm your host, Liz Jolly, founder of the School of Courage. I'm an engineer, turned life coach, because I saw the need for more courage in my own life as a mom and wanting to be a great leader. I use the skills we cover every day and I am passionate to teach them to you so you can unlock your own potential. Well today I want to dive into feedback. And I was going through some material for a workshop about feedback. And as I was reading over what people in organizations were offering for how to do feedback and how to receive feedback I just want to say I disagree with a lot of it. And so I want to revisit feedback today. There is an older episode on feedback, but. Today we're really going to unlock the myths of giving and receiving feedback. And so I want to share with you my view of how to actually get meaningful feedback, which drives what you're actually after. Which is learning how to improve so you can grow, so you can make more of an impact or be more influential. It's all about being more successful in your life and you get to decide what that means That is not some set standard success definition there. Here are the three mistakes that I think people make. First is that we need to ask others for feedback to grow. The second is we take everything people say as true. And the third thing is we think that we must change because of the feedback. And if we don't, something is wrong. So let's walk through these misconceptions and remember that what we really want friend feedback is to grow. To make more of an impact, to be more, whatever your version of successful is. Okay. So come back to that anytime you start to be like, but wait, you come back. So let's talk about what does your version of success mean to you? And it's all about who do you want to be? Now watch this question because if your answer is, I just want to be like those other people over there or I want to be like more organized, more together, more of a presenter, so I can feel good about myself, or I want them to like me, so I want to be better. This is not coming from a healthy, like productive feeling that you want to like run to for feedback. You need to know that you're You're worthy, you're great, you're 100% lovable as you are right now without any feedback at all, without any growth. And so worrying about what others think, like if you notice the reason as to why you want to Grow under your version of success if it's about getting someone's approval or trying to impress somebody. It's not coming from a place of self-love. It's coming from an external source. And so I just want to raise the flags on that, if that's your answer Nothing's gone wrong. Now you know, so you can work on it and be like, okay, well, what is it that I actually think my version of success is? Not just what my mom thinks I should be, or the company thinks I should be, or your spouse thinks you should be, or wherever it's coming from. Just be curious and compassionate with yourself about it Let's take the job you're in. We know that there's likely a job description for that role, and then there's your interpretation of what that means to you. Because how often does it does a job description just have so many bullets and maybe a couple of summary paragraphs? But as we know when we get into something, we don't just normally like have a role that's building widgets and so every day is knowingly the same and predictable. We have a day that's filled with so many unknowns and things shift and they are shaped by what's happening and just it's way more nuanced than what's on a sheet of a paper in a job description. And so you sit down and decide what is it That someone who was doing this role really, really well would do. How would they show up in the role? How would they spend their day? How would they lead people? No matter what, you're likely influencing people and you're leading them, even if it's not in a job title that's formal Think about how would you in the role you're in in this like you're you've nailed it in this role connect with other teams. Just list out everything that comes to mind when you think, what is good look like for this role From there, you want to pick one area that you're going to work on this year. Or pick your time frame. It could be three months. And make sure that it's coming from a place of future you. Like you've already just defined, you wrote it out, what good looks like. And now is your time to look at, okay, I'm gonna practice living into that space and I'm gonna do it one little step at a time and focus on one area so we can really be thinking about it and improving upon it and see our progress. Now you need to ask yourself, how would you know what you're working on is improving? Like how would you know, say if you wanted to work on giving feedback or being a better public speaker? for your presentations about your project. Like how would you know you're doing well? How would you know you're progressing? And answer that question and think about things as like a science project. Like you have a hypothesis, you try something, you observe how it went, you learn, and you do it all over again. You iterate It's not supposed to be good the first time you try anything you've never really done before or anything you've ever really started to be aware of. You're gonna suck at it and just keep working on it through the suck because you're gonna get better and better Don't get mad at yourself because you're already not already at perfect. Keep going through it. Going back to the myth of we need to ask for other people's feedback to grow. And so you can totally go ask other people for feedback, but what this is about is understanding what good looks like to you. How will you know if you're making progress and growing and becoming the person that you want to be in this area? And you can absolutely go ask other people first, but you need to be really, really clear. What it means to you so that when somebody says something and you're surprised by it, that you can hold it up to your version of what do I think good looks like? And then from there you can drop it if you need to To be clear, I think it's a myth that we need to ask others for feedback to grow. I think you need to do it first with yourself and you need to get clear on what is it you want to get feedback on and get specific and know. How you're gonna be measuring, if you will, your growth, your improvement, your progress. Once you have that, then you can go and ask people. Everyone's view of the world is different. Don't use what other people say against yourself. And I feel like so often We go to other people and we ask them how we're doing and we take their words as oh okay, well that's what I have to go do because if I want to grow, I have to go through all this. And It's not true. The other thing I will offer is that sometimes in the world you're in, in like, you know, your organization or your company or wherever you are. The stress and the fear can be high. So if you think about, is now the time for me to be going asking for other people to give me feedback? I would say no, because Say there's layoffs coming or say that there's reorgs or things are really gonna change and everybody's looking for a tap out like an easy way to rank people or sort them. And if you potentially go to somebody and you offer them like, hey, I don't think I'm very good at this. I think I want to improve and work on this area. They could be really mature and amazing leaders and take that as, wow, I'm so impressed. This is a person that is higher in my rank. But very likely your their brain is looking for that easy answer and gonna say, no, um, they've just given me fodder to maybe rank them lower. Just be aware of it. I'm not saying that's always true, but Be cautious of who you go get feedback from and know that you don't need that kind of feedback, especially first when you're trying to grow and improve. Ask yourself first. Second thing. The second myth is that we take everything people say as true. And notice how I would say, especially as women, if anyone criticizes us or gives us feedback We take it to heart so often and we we make it true and we don't even ask ourselves, do I think that's true? And let's go back to how the world works. And this is this is core to any of my podcasts, if you've heard about it I think that we see something, like we experience a circumstance, and then we have a thought about it. We make a judgment about it, and it's through our filter of the world. It's from our brain, like our our unconscious and conscious brain if you have that clarity on what is the circumstance and what is the meaning that our brain is giving it. If you look at feedback, a lot of times what it is from, especially if somebody gives you something specific, which they should, because that would be more helpful. You can think about, okay, there was that presentation they're referencing. That's the circumstance. And then they had a thought about it. about you in the presentation and their thought comes through their brain with whatever's going on in their mind and they offer it to you Just because they think it, it doesn't make it true. And it doesn't make it something that you need to hold close to your heart. You can think back to that moment, that same circumstance that they're referencing, and you can ask yourself, well, what do I think about that moment? Find your thought associated with that same circumstance because as we know a circumstance is neutral and then the thoughts could be all over the map. Remember, as you're looking at your own thought about the circumstance. Just because you think it as well, it doesn't make it true either. You need to realize that it's just your thought. Like it's just this part of your brain that made meaning of that presentation, of that circumstance Here's an example to help make this clear. Let's pretend that I sit and I am a part of the audience watching your presentation. And I think, wow, I love how little you had on the slides. Like it wasn't overbearing with all the words And that really helped me focus on what you were saying. And I also loved how you cut to the chase and you told me the so what of the slide. I really appreciated that. So now let's say we're stepping into person B's mind and person B stops and says, hey, you really need to include more information on your slides. You need to be prepared for all the technical questions that people are going to ask. You really should do better. When you don't show all that information, it makes you look like you just don't know what you're talking about. And I'm disappointed. So who is right? Neither one of them each has their perception, their thoughts about the exact same presentation. And it's run through the lens of what do they define as a good presentation? And they have their reasons. They make perfect sense to them why they think, like for person B, that that makes what a good presentation is. And then I would have a different view of what a good presentation is to me And you could probably go ask four or five other people who are in that room, and they're gonna have a little bit of a different perspective as well. And they can share their thoughts. So what do you do about it, right? You just know that it doesn't make it the truth. It doesn't mean that my presentation was bad because person B said presentation was bad or Oh, this other person said that it was good and I shouldn't have a lot of information. Which one's right? And I will tell you, neither are right. It's totally made up in their brain about what the standard is. And so You get to choose whatever you want to do with the feedback and which you want to honor and like change from But just know that it's a choice, not because one is right, quote unquote, or the truth or the the better thought. And we walk around all the time taking other people's words, their opinions, their thoughts. And we're putting them above our own opinions. And sometimes that's okay, but let's not do it unconsciously. Let's be conscious about it. We surrender our agency over our own authority in our lives all the time like this. And I would say, especially women, if you think about how often we go to other people to get their view on what good looks like or what we should be doing and we've never asked ourselves first. And notice that even if someone is an authority, like we have a written book that they declared was the way to how to present and be heard and you read it And you think, okay, that's the only way. You need to bring yourself back to what do I actually think and why do I think that? Because Literally, I mean take like dieting. That's the perfect thing. If the goal is to lose weight, there's what like 10,000 different versions of how to go do that and what good looks like And so we all like dieting or what uh however you eat, need to come up with your own version of what makes sense for you, what's gonna give you the success you are looking for. And then you iterate and try and get better and better and see if you're getting the result you want. So this literally blew my mind one day a few years ago. I remember thinking that Even if someone is a professor at Harvard University and maybe they've written bunches of articles in Harvard Business Review and they have a book, it doesn't mean that they are right This blew my mind. I could actually disagree with them, even though they said they have research. And I'm not mocking research. I'm not saying like go away and just make up all your own stuff. But what I'm saying is like just know when it comes to all these things in our world, you can find a translation that's totally different. You can find a view of the world that's different. When it comes to these things in our lives, like how to do a good presentation, ask a bunch of people and and do your research and go go ask all of these Harvard professors, you know, like Search it and and then decide for yourself what makes sense for me with the result that I want. I find it fascinating because what you'll see is how often we think that a certain professor or researcher or speaker is dialed in, they know the way. We should listen to The way they talk about how to give a presentation or have a tough conversation. And so anybody else that even questions it, we just like shoot down. And the tragedy of that is we don't get that opportunity to learn and grow and find out more about where you're coming from. Tell me how you see the world differently. The moment we think we know something, we cannot be curious. It just doesn't work that way. Have fun this week and thinking about what people are saying and knowing those are their thoughts. Like they're just they're projecting their thoughts, what's on their mind. And it doesn't mean you have to reject it. It just means be curious and think, oh, let me see how that makes perfect sense to them. And um enjoy the mind-boggling experience of all of it. Also, be really aware of how often you look outside yourself for what you call the answer or the right way or the wrong way to not do it Build your own agency, your own authority. Do your research, try things, figure out what works for you. And uh absolutely be open to feedback and other people's opinions. Just beware of if you're spending 100% of your time looking for it from others versus doing your research on your own and maybe having 50% of the time you're gathering feedback from other people know that you should really do it first. Okay, third myth. We think that we must change because of the feedback. And if we don't, that something is wrong. My favorite question to ask in the space of feedback to yourself from a place of love is is it true or not true? No drama Because if it's true, like if someone tells you you really should have had more on the slides, you can be like, you know what? Okay, I see how that's true. That makes perfect sense. You now get to decide what to go do about it. And now that we know that what people share is just the thought on their mind, we can hold it, whatever their thought is, up to our lens and we can make that decision. Is it true or not true? And then you really get to decide to drop it or not. Even if it's true, you can be like, you know what? From their perspective, it totally makes sense not to have a bunch of slides. with wor tons and tons of words and everything on it. And so uh maybe I'll just find a middle ground so I can build sides and be able to present the way I want to and not have the 500 words on the slide. You get to decide what to hold close to you and what to use to change or to grow. You get to decide because it's your behavior you're working to modify and change and grow in. So be curious and know that just because somebody says something and offers you feedback, it doesn't mean you have to take it. Is it true or not true? And I hear people often say things like, make sure you know why you're going to seek feedback. And I'm going to come back and say, let's start with why are you going to others for feedback before yourself? So I hope this was helpful today. And I'd love to know with comments or you can contact me off of the website, lizjolly. com. Let me know what you think and pass this on if this was helpful for you And also for anybody that's interested in a free overwhelm workshop where we are going to end overwhelm in our lives, ladies, especially moms that are trying to juggle one million balls Please sign up for this workshop. The link is below. I'll also post it on social so you have that. It's free. Come, it's an hour, it'll be recorded. So if you sign up, you'll get to go view it later. And with that I hope you all have an incredible week and I'll see you next time.