103 Stop Surviving, Start Thriving: Using Your Prefrontal Cortex to End Overwhelm

Instead of wishing your terrible week away, learn how to move from your reactive "lizard brain" into your planning prefrontal cortex so you can stop just surviving your life and confidently take back the driver's seat.

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Welcome to the Great Leader Great mom podcast, where we trade in mom guilt and burnout for courage, calm, and a whole lot more joy. I'm your host, Liz Jolley, engineer, life coach, mom of three, and founder of the School of Courage. Each week I share practical tools on how you can be your grounded self in any room.

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This is episode 103, and we're going to keep talking about how to end overwhelm in your life.

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Today is all about when you really just want your terrible week to end.

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Who out there is having a week that just feels like you need to get through it? Where the week sucks and you just want it to be over, where you wake up and you feel immediate dread

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and you tell yourself, shoot, it's not Wednesday, it's only Monday. Well, this episode is just for you. Now we all have these weeks where we wake up thinking, I just need to get through this week.

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We feel like we're behind. We feel like if we just

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get to Friday,

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all will be better.

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Well, this sets you up for a terrible week from the get go. And now we've just given all our emotional power away to whatever life brings at us. We're not in the driver's seat. We've lost our agency.

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So here's the problem with believing that thought that I just need to get through this week and I'll feel better.

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when this settles in your brain, you show up automatically. You feel behind, you feel anxious. You feel overwhelmed, burned out i.e. you are not your grounded self. You don't show up. You're not present with your family or even at work.

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You're sitting in those meetings thinking about your to do list or the thing that's stressing you out. You go home and all you can think about while making dinner or sitting at dinner or trying to be with your kids is I just want this week to be over. You beat yourself up. You live in the when I get it done future, I will feel better.

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But our feelings don't work this way. Our feelings don't come from the world around us or from our circumstances. They come from what you're thinking. So when you feel behind, we need to uncover why it is we feel this way. And I know your brain is going to think it's completely telling me the truth.

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That yes, the reason I feel behind and overwhelmed is because this week is really terrible. I get it. I have been there too. We just want it all to be over. But no, the feeling of being behind and overwhelmed is caused by your thinking.

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You're thinking that you just want it all to be over.

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You've been set up for your week to be a struggle.

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Our brain thinks it's revealing the truth, but it's only our thoughts. And this is what we want to be true. Because we're in control of our thoughts. We're not in control of the world around us. So how do we get out of this? We need to create more space, more space between the circumstances around us and how we show up.

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So the first step in doing this

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is to use our emotional window. And what I mean by that is when you feel a feeling like overwhelm or behind, that's your window into your brain to see what's going on. Because once you can realize you're feeling a feeling, you can ask yourself, okay, why do I feel this way?

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Your brain is not going to give you this circumstance. It's going to give you your thoughts. It'll say, but I just need to get through this week. That's why I feel behind. That's why I feel anxious. That's why I'm overwhelmed. But it's not. Now, you've identified the thought. So now we need to examine it.

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And I know many of you want to argue with me here and say, Liz, but just when this is all over, I really will feel better. Trust me,

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And I know when you do get through the week, there's probably going to be the chance that you feel better because your circumstances have changed and your thought has changed. It's a tricky thing because your brain wants to tell, you know, you feel better because we're through this terrible week. But the reality is

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your thought is different. The only reason you feel differently when you get through a project is because now you have a new thought driving you like, okay, good, that's done.

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Now I can enjoy my life. There's a temporary relief there, but it's only till the next tough week shows up. And before you know it, many of you are going through 51 tough weeks and you feel like you're just surviving your life. You're not actually living it. You have lost your agency. You're not thriving, and you just want it all to stop, to feel better.

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So I know that you can change your circumstance. You can move through your week and survive it. And yeah, it feels better. But we're just perpetuating this notion that external things and situations cause our feelings. This is so powerless, and you don't want to live this way. If the world is responsible for your happiness, your relief, your presence at home or at work, it will always just be out in the future, out there, in or when that happens.

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So to take your power back, we need to examine those thoughts from our mind. The ones that say, I just need to make it through the week because those imply that we've lost control of our life, that we're just writing some wave, and we're not creating the life you really want.

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Truly, when we get down to it, we crave this life that we're in control of, that we have agency over.

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None of us want to be a passenger in our life and just let it pass us by. Think of the satisfaction that really comes from doing a hard challenge, from getting through something that you thought was tough and you did it anyway. You showed up as your grounded self.

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So let's take our power back. Let's drop these unhelpful thoughts that delegate our emotions, our happiness, our satisfaction, and let's choose to believe and show up with this mindset that puts us in the driver's seat of your lives or of your week. So here's how we do that. We need to stop using our lizard default brain, and we need to start using our prefrontal cortex.

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So once you've examined your mind and you're like, do I really just have to survive this week, am I powerless here? And we say, no, we're not powerless. Now we need to examine what is it we want to get done? Like what is the big scary thing before you? Is it a giant presentation? Is it your kid is sick and you're just trying to get through the week?

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Or you have a big event you're involved in?

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That's great. Now you know what it is you're actually trying to avoid. So here's where you involve

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your prefrontal cortex. And what's amazing about your prefrontal cortex is it's your planning brain. Your brain needs a plan. So if you write this down and commit to it, and then you follow through to get it done, you're going to have a totally different week.

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So sit down, take out a piece of paper and say, what does good look like for me this week with the yeah, that big scary thing. What do I need to do to get it done? And let's walk through a specific example. So you're with me. Say you have a major presentation at the end of the week, and you need to decide what do you need to do to really dominate that presentation.

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The first thing could be

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I need to gather data from people and this could include schedules for the project. Cost progress. What are the challenges ahead?

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The second thing would be you need to build the words or the copy for slides you're going to make. You need to. Step three build the actual slides.

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Step four you need to practice. Because let's get honest, some of you may be magical and just be able to wing it, but practicing really makes a difference.

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You're going to edit those slides after you practice, and you're going to practice again and edit and keep going until you feel like yourself in those slides and you feel confident.

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Number five, you're going to probably print the slides or put them on a share drive so you have a backup. And then you're going to go give that presentation. And it's going to be amazing. So now we ask the next question what's going to make each of these steps hard. So if you look at the first one this is where we love to blame and whine and complain when other people are involved.

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So this step was to gather data from all the people on this project that you need included in the presentation. So if you sit down and you decide, okay, what makes getting that information hard, it's probably going to be like, oh my God, people. They don't give me it when I need it. And so but here's the secret thing is, if you show up in their office or you buy them a coffee, or even better, you book a meeting with them for 30 minutes that says, we're going over your information on the schedule.

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People are funny, and we do what feels urgent. So they look and see a calendar invite that says

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they need to have that data for your meeting. They're going to get it done. So book those meetings. Go through every single one of those pieces of information you need from someone else, and book a meeting with them for 30 minutes and put in the meeting notes.

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We're going to go over x, y, z because this is going to come up in our presentation to management this week. Done. Now the second one was you need to start building out the words for your slides, the flow sit down and ask yourself my favorite question, especially for those of you that are in the technical world. So what every single slide should have a

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So what? Answer? Why should anybody care about the slide? Now, depending on your company and their slide culture, you may need a bunch of words in the slide. But let's get real. When you have a zillion words on the slide, the so what gets lost in people's do zone out. You don't need them to do this. You need to make it super clear what is the point you're trying to make on the slide?

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Why should they care? The third step was build slides, so just start putting words in the page. Don't overthink it. Just throw out things with images or pictures of a schedule. Whatever it is, don't make this perfect. At this point we're talking B minus work here people. The first step was practice. Honestly, book time to practice on your calendar.

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You're going to get distracted and want to go get a coffee or go for a walk, or go talk about the weekend with your friend. Instead, book the time, commit to it, and skip a meeting. If you have to sit down, go over your B minus slides and practice. Say it out loud. If you say something out loud, your brain will like go through the flow and it'll decide.

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You know this doesn't really work. Here's what I need to say instead. Or let's move the order of this. And that practice is when you identify what to edit. Sometimes editing can be the hardest part because you just need time to do it. So go back through, especially after saying it out loud and edit your slides. Do this again until you really feel comfortable with the flow of the slides, that it's really answering the questions that the audience is worried about, what's on their mind?

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Seek to answer those questions.

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Don't give them all the information. I know you technical people want to, like, show every single thing to wow them with your technical prowess on the page. No, let them ask a question to then show them that you know it. You don't need to put it all on the page,

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Now get somebody to be there with you when you practice. Book a room, go and pretend like you're giving the presentation and tell them what you're looking for. Before you start the presentation, say, here's the points I'm trying to make. Let me know how strong my point is when I do this. Do you think there's too much information on the slide?

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Do you think I ramble too much? Should I say something more concisely that going in is much more helpful to get feedback on the back end? Because when you just present to your friend at the end and you say, how do you think that went? Oh, what are they going to say? They're going to say, it's great. Nobody's going to be like, that was terrible.

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They need specifics. So their brain can focus in on that while you're going through the practice presentation. Ask better questions here. Okay. Number seven.

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Now you're in the easy part. Print. Save where you need to save. Not hard. You got this. The last critical step.

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Maybe you're actually nervous. Like, what are you afraid of with this presentation before you go into that room I want you to go into the restroom. Truly. Do this.

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It'll make a difference. Look yourself in the mirror and give yourself a high five in the mirror. Yeah, you might feel like an idiot. You may want to wait till everybody's out of there. But honestly, I don't care. This is a moment that if you high five yourself over and over again, and you look yourself in the eye and say, I got this, or go be amazing,

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you really will feel differently.

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You've embodied a new emotion within you that will show up with you in the room. Instead of going in thinking, oh my God, I'm so scared. I just want that to be over. If you go in with that, you're going to feel like your whole body is tense and you're going to be looking for evidence as to why this should just be over instead of going in as your grounded self.

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So if you show up thinking, I got this, you will have a much more likely chance of nailing it and dominating it. Okay, so every single one of these steps should be planned on your calendar. Book the time,

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If something feels too big, like gather data as your time block break it up, be like five minutes.

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Book meeting was such and such to get schedule five minutes, book calendar invite to go through the cost with the finance person. Break it down until it seems so tactical, so tangible instead of ambiguous. Your brain is going to get confused when it feels ambiguous.

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This all applies to your home life as well. When you ask yourself what feels too much this week, what do I need to just get through to survive?

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Write down how you thrive in it. What does good look like, and then what's going to make it hard to get through doing all of those steps?

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What are the funny things I think that comes up for me when I'm at home is like, but I'm just not going to want to go do that. That's what I give myself. The parenting talk that I give to my kids, which is now sometimes we do things in life that we don't want to put your big girl panties or big boy panties on and let's go calendar it, get it done, commit to yourself.

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This builds self-confidence of trust. Your agency is back in your control. That's amazing. Your brain's going to want to go bananas in the times that you've committed to and tell yourself you should just go get more coffee. No, you are going to notice your brain trying to escape. It's just trying to

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a find its way out of discomfort.

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But just get it done. You said you were going to get it done. Follow through.

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Okay, I want your brain to shift out of “I just have to get through this week” to “I got this week” or “who better than me to deliver this week ahead of me”? I love challenges, bring it on.

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You want to be the person that can take on what is before you and no longer feel overwhelmed, no longer feel like you're at the mercy of your calendar, or of some project, or of some big presentation

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You want to show yourself what you're capable of. You do hard things. Don't be the passenger in your own life.

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Own your week. Be in the driver's seat. Set the example for your children, for your family on how to get things done and not feel overwhelmed.

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right now can create the life you want because creating your life takes about these exact same amount of energy as just surviving your life.

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Remember surviving your life and waiting for the world to make you feel better. Never going to happen. So if you really want to start to end your overwhelm in your life, join my free workshop on Ending Overwhelm.

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go to Lizjolley.com, and that's jolley spelled with an lley forward slash overwhelm. And see the workshop that's coming next for you.

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You're going to leave this workshop with the tools you need to get started on how to really show up in your day differently, to no longer feel like you're a passenger in your own life. I want you to be present at home with your kids, enjoying the moment, not with your brain. Elsewhere.

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With that, I wish you all an amazing week and I'll see you all next time.

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Take everybody.